Just For Starters

     This post isn't for what I haven't said. This is for the things that I have said one too many times. No, not the usual melodrama here. I'm going to be honest and straightforward and I expect nothing less from your comments if you deign to leave them. I'm not here to start drama, or even condone it for that matter. I think that it's a bit ridiculous that I'm only twenty and have less passion for drama than some who are much older than myself. I am not writing for anyone but myself. Let that sink in for a moment. I have your ear, or your eyes if you'd like that term better, because you have seen fit to give them into my care. If what I have to say offends you or bores you (and I would actually rather it be in that order), then please, make use of that little x and get rid of this. I'm not forcing you into anything.

    I'm here to have a sounding board for the thoughts in my head that concern my life. I've been working on getting my hellishly cluttered room cleaned lately and it's still a work in progress. When I started throwing out the things that I never want to see again, I started thinking about my life. Then, while I was physically removing things like broken hangers and old papers and mangled stuffed animals(I have a moderately vicious cat), I started doing the same thing in my mind, so to speak. The only difference was that I was tossing out habits in myself that I loathe instead of the broken hangers,  forgetting old hurts instead of putting the papers in a bag to burn, and evaluating relationships instead of deciding whether or not the teddy bear could stay if given serious surgery.

     Now that you know why I'm here, I think it only fitting that I share a few things about myself. These may or may not change due to the inherent natures of the traits and habits and descriptions, but then again, they may not.

     The first thing that you should know about me is that I'm starting to change who I am. Before now, I lived to be who everyone needed me to be. I was the steady best friend, the devoted and attentive daughter, the role model sister, the reliable one. I never really started to chose who I would be. But now that I'm home from college for the summer, I'm starting to realize that who I am when I'm on my own and who I am when I'm not are two completely different people. The jokes that were funny in high school, aren't. The antics that I used to go along with hold no further interest for me. I have essentially forgotten how to enjoy things so juvenile. I am slowly and steadily trying to change for what I deem to be the better. I am working on a more professional look and countenance.

    There are people that I have a less than healthy relationship with. Those relationships will come to light at the appropriate time for me to deal with them, no sooner, no later. The posts dealing with those relationships will be highly personal and I do realize that I am opening them up to scrutiny when I do decide to delve into them. This is not my way of asking for help or sympathy. This is only a way of getting what I think out there and open to self-evaluation. Essentially, I will be counseling myself on such matters considering the lack of progress that I have made when I sought professional psychological counseling.

     I realize that people who I am not on friendly terms will probably come snooping around and read this. I know that I am not exempt from this. I know of several highly personal sites that I have poked around on for the fun of seeing into someone's head. In fact, I am expecting this. I only hope, dear reader, that you are prepared to see all of what I'm willing to show you. Some of you, I suppose will have psychological backgrounds or interests, at the very least. Feel free to diagnose or attempt to treat me at any time. I will pretend that we are on equal ground and we can see who has a greater knowledge of the concepts and who has a better grasp of how to put them into use. I could use a good mind game or seven.

     I feel that describing who you are by including a few interests and sharing quotes that you hold close to your heart is a bit vague and leaves open a very wide door for misunderstanding and misrepresentation. Hypocrisy is rampant. Who I really am will become heavily evident in the following posts as I explore both my relationships with the rest of society and with myself. I'm looking forward to learning more about myself and learning to write where I can be understood by even the most uneducated. Please, if you have a comment about my writing style, leave it for me. I crave criticism, be it positive or 'constructive'.

     I guess that this is goodbye for now.