I should be doing something productive right now.
Instead, I'm sitting in front of my computer, blogging about nothing. Then again, this nothing may become something, in the way my writing usually does.
I guess we could talk about me some more, since that's almost why I made this. I wanted to be heard, even if I had nothing to say. It's easier for me to communicate with the written word rather than the spoken one, even though I've been told that I get my point across clearly regardless of the medium. I also tend to have bigger thoughts than I can actually convey, so having a nice, uninterrupted place to do so helps me focus, at least a little.
Anyway, just to give you a good picture of what's going on on my side of the keyboard, picture this. I'm sitting here in a grey v-neck tshirt, my hair up in a pencil, no make-up, shoveling ramen into my silent mouth. Since I'm alone, I'm also not worrying about eating very politely. Half of the time, I look like a three year old eating pasta. I won't elaborate on that since it makes me look marvelously uncultured. I promise my mother raised me better than that. However, there's no one in the room to look dignified for, so I drop the worry. I'm facebooking in the background, messaging a friend of a friend for no reason at all really. I'm debating making tea.
Inside my head, the part that you can't hear unless you're reading, I'm vaguely tossing around ideas for this blog. I could go into what makes me happy, gush about my boyfriend, tell you in way too much detail how the pen and paper role playing game that I'm in is going, break down the characters that I've created and I have a particular fondness for...
Let's go with that one. I'm going to share a few characters with you. Think what you like about them, I'm beyond caring.
Actually, no. Let's stay away from the characters today and examine your responses to this. Several of you have sent me emails or facebook messages or called/texted/smoke-signalled me your thoughts on my blogs. Some of you are family, some friends. What no one seems to get about these blogs is that it's all written in a tone of boredom and near desperation. Everything is said in a languid, scornful tone. That's how I'm hearing the words in my head, how I'm trying to send them to you. These aren't full of me whispering softly to you the ideas in my head. This is me letting icy contempt finally steal into the voice that has comforted you, the voice that has quelled your fear or your sadness, the voice that has lifted up your spirit when nothing else would. This is the sharp darkness of my vindictive and somewhat twisted view of the world and the people in it. I'm not holding your hand while you read this. I'm sitting in a chair, playing with the dagger of words idly while you sit in my company. This lingual dagger could save you from harm or cause you pain. Your reactions and my disposition decide your fate. But I hardly tricked you into coming here. You're here of your own free will. I'm not a professional here. I am me.
Some of you will think that I'm being ridiculous, but look again at the title of this blog. Everything I Never Said Aloud. Let it sink in, lovelies.
I have been the best friend, the loving daughter, the model older sister, the upstanding citizen, the attentive student. How many of you have actually seen my darker side? Not that that side holds any danger at all for you, I only want to share with you the things hiding within. When I write, I want you to be my captive. I want my words to hold you hostage and make you think. I want you to wonder how this experience will change you.
Read my blogs with my voice. Read them with the note of contempt and scorn that they deserve. Every one of my posts is a dare, every single one. I'm daring you to hold on with me and see where this wild rollercoaster from purgatory takes us. You have only ever seen the side of me that was raised correctly, my polished and controlled side. Not the side that I kept to myself. Not the side that had the comforting darkness of a night sky that allowed my soul to rest peacefully. Not the side that relishes in the beautifully dark ideas that I've read and nurtured myself.
Now, don't you start thinking that the darker side is something that means that I'm crazy or some sort of madwoman. I'm just embracing the side we all have. The little voice of pain and indignation when someone slights you. The darkness you run to when you want to be protected from the bright burning light of the rest of society. The one safe place to hide when the monsters are after you. Where your nightmares reside, where you keep them once you have conquered them. The place where you are strong, where you have power that you would rather not think about. The one place that scares you the most. The deepest, darkest part of you.
I want you to read my blogs and stare at your computer screen like it's the only thing that exists. I want you to be rapt with attention, to not have a single thought that I didn't put into your head while you are reading. I want you to sit back at the end of these installments and gasp for breath.
I don't pretend to be that powerful. However, if you are my 'ideal reader', then I do have that power over you.
And do you know what the absolute scariest part of it all is?
You gave it to me.
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