Just a note, I decided that I wanted to gush about my amazing boyfriend and how the relationship makes me feel. If you don't want to get cavities from the sweetness of it all, just click the back button or the little x. It's okay. I understand. I wouldn't want to read it if I hadn't written it either. :)
So I'm not going to pretend this is love just yet. This is the feeling that sells all of those Hallmark cards and makes you go 'aww' in the movie theatre. But I've never felt this before. It's just pure elation. I've found someone that doesn't judge me, that doesn't use me, and likes me as a human being. He's an amazing guy, and I'm not just saying that because he's interested in me. I've actually found something amazing.
He's just remarkable. He's smart. We can talk about in-depth psychological theories and old video games. We can talk about stories we've written and books we've read. About college classes and kindergarten classes. About family and friends and pets and people that we've never known but would like to. We can talk about fears and dreams. We can talk about anything. I won't be playing chess with him though. He's a better strategist than me. And I'm pretty sure he's better at math too...
He's funny too. And the jokes aren't anything cliché unless it was pointedly intended to be so. I have yet to hear him tell a joke or say something witty that wasn't ridiculously funny. And his wit. He's the first guy that's left me feeling inferior in that department. Major points in his favor, by the way. And he laughs at the jokes that I make, even the super lame ones that I wish I hadn't said because they were that stupid.
And he hasn't overstepped a single boundary. No obvious ogling, no attempted groping or suggestions of it. He respects me. He's a good guy. He's walked me back to my dorm countless times in the middle of the night, when it was just us. I've gotten amazing hugs and cute goodnights. No joking about me sneaking him up when my roommate's out of town or him staying over. Nothing inappropriate. Well, nothing more inappropriate than the jokes that the entire group makes. Actually, thanks to three of them, Johnny included, my roommates think that I had an orgy one day. I still get jealous looks but that's beside the point.
He doesn't drink or smoke either. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a college guy that doesn't drink himself into a stupor regularly or smoke like a chimney? And that isn't a religious freak or vegan or something else weird? Remarkably hard. And on top of that, one that's funny and smart and witty and has similar interests and isn't a jerk or womanizer or abusive idiot? Let me tell you, we're getting into the thousanths of a percent at this point. He doesn't even mind me talking about my Dracula obsession. And he knows a decent bit about him. I mean, wow.
And his eyes... He's got amazing eyes... They see right through me and don't seem to mind what's there. That darkness I keep telling you about? He sees it and doesn't mind. He's been there. Nothing there scared him or worried him or made him cringe. He shrugged it off and told me how I could fix some of it. He let me see some of the darkness in him too. I wasn't scared either. I felt humbled by the fact that he trusted me enough to tell me about those things. He trusts me. Legitimately trusts me.
I don't think I've ever known what it's like to have that sort of connection with someone. I've rarely been comfortable enough with someone to let them know my weaknesses, and I can list those people on one hand. You think you know them, but trust me. I haven't shared any of them with you. You know that I fear failure, but who doesn't know that about me? He knows things about me that I refuse to share with you because you will exploit them. He won't. And if he does, then I know how to counter it. I'm not defenseless like you all think I am. Trust me.
I'm just in awe. He's so amazing and I don't know what I've done to deserve someone like him in my life. I'm not arguing with whatever put him here, but I'd just like to know what I did to earn this privilege.
*hums along with the song that was the title of this entry*
I can't wait to see where this relationship goes. It's early, and it's going to progress slowly, but I have to say, while I'm not getting my hopes up too terribly high about it lasting a very long time, I kinda want it to. I really want it to. I know I'm in college and don't know a single thing about love, but if it's anything like this, then I'd like to get to know it better.
So, Johnny Ray Hess Jr., go listen to our song again. I won't ever be able to hear it again without thinking of you. And listening to it on repeat probably isn't conducive to sleep. I blame you for my late night, but I don't hold it against you. I'm happier than I've been in a good long time, and that's your fault too. Thanks for being you. <3
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