Poison?

Everyone knows the line, “Pick your poison.” I've only ever heard it in reference to alcohol, but the sentiment seems strangely relevant. I just wish I would have picked you instead of having life inject you into my veins like bad heroin. You've caused me that much pain and sent me on that wild a trip but I can't give you up. I never would have guessed that you would become my habit.

I've known you for years, but then again, I haven't known you at all. Even though we've been through so much together, I never would have guessed that things would turn out this way. Looking back, I still can't pinpoint when everything started spiraling down out of control. You've become the ball in a game of pinball. Shiny and cold and careening out of all control beyond my reach. It's to the point where I can't just reach in and try to straighten your path anymore. You're behind the glass now.

Every time I talk to you, I tell you how to straighten your life, what you need to do. When am I going to learn that it's none of my business? But you know that somehow, through it all, it is my business because I don't want to lose you to a stupid mistake. Do you know how close a call that really was? I'm just glad that you realized it before things went even further. All I want is for you to be happy. I just want to see you smile and mean it. I miss the person you were.

It isn't fair for me to miss that though. After all, I'm not exactly who I was then either. That day you came to visit and you laughed every time that moronic ring tone went off and I was embarrassed should have shown me that we'd grown apart.

Do you know how much I hate that? Do you feel the same way? Do you feel anything anymore? We haven't honestly had a conversation that didn't revolve around your latest catastrophe in years, did you realize that?

I miss you. It may not seem like it, but I do. It hurts me to see you bouncing around from place to place and relationship to relationship. Would it really be that hard for you to give up your 'freedom' and ask for forgiveness? I've asked you that a thousand times, so I should know the answer by now, but I don't. I've told you to swallow your pride and to talk to them, but you won't. I've done the talking for you and it's gotten us nowhere.

I love you.

Trust me when I say that I'm one of the many people that will tell you that in your lifetime, but I am one of the very few of them that will mean it.

I love you.

It doesn't count unless you can hear me saying it in your head and you knowing that it's true.

Please, let me get some sleep and stop having to worry over you. Please, fix what you know is broken. Please, let me help you.

Strike Two

Yeah. Dishing a little more dirt out on the wonderful and eternal internet. I'm starting to realize that I'm truly to a point where I don't care what anyone thinks of me. The only people that truly matter are my family, very close friends, and future employers. My family knows, my friends understand, and my employers will hopefully see the attempts at professionalism exhibited here and will come to understand.

However, none of that matters right now. I'm here for a reason and I may as well get to the point quickly. I'll start with the problems from my end before I start pointing fingers so that you can see that I'm trying to be fair. I didn't call but once. But you only called after I sent you a message. I was leaving the space for you to make the first move, and you didn't. I thought this was going to be a give-and-take kind of thing. Not a 'Let Jordan Make All The Moves'. You should know by now that I have no self-esteem. I want to be wanted. I want you to want to have me in your life, but I don't need it. I want us to be okay and have a healthy relationship. It's looking like it may just be easier for both of us to stop trying, if indeed we were trying in the first place, and just put this behind us so we can move on with our lives.

This time, my eyes are dry. I have enough support in my life without needing your approval, and I've gotten this far without it. I'd love to have you in my life the way you're supposed to be, but I'm so sick of this. I've been wondering when you're going to call. But I should have figured... I mean, with the way things have been, one phone call in the middle of the night was going to fix thirteen years of dysfunction? Let's get real. Maybe I'm just being cynical, but I'm getting tired. I'm tired of wanting you to want to be in my life. I can resign myself to the fact that you don't. Like I said before, I have plenty of people that can cover for you in some way or another. Some already do without noticing it. And it should be easy for you to find someone to stand in for me, shouldn't it?

Anyway, I just had to get this out. Granted, we only played through the first few moves of this game, but I'm tired already. We'll say that you win.

Books and Family and Tea

So, as you may have noticed, I only write when something's weighing heavily on my mind. This is my cheap therapy, even cheaper and more fulfilling than bubble wrap. And who knows, I may manage to accidentally spill a little of my wisdom on you in the process.

Anyway, as I've said, this post is about books, family, and tea. I'm going to flip through a few pages of my favorite books and quotes to begin with.
I've noticed that I tend to like stories with strong female lead characters. The Hannibal Lecter series by Thomas Harris is one of note, starring the famous Clarice Starling. You've seen Silence of the Lambs, I'm sure. Strong character, not fearless, but in control of her fear and her weaknesses. Not to mention one hell of a shot with a pistol. These are qualities in her that I would like to see in myself one of these days. Her mother worked hard to keep Clarice with her after Clarice's father was shot and killed in the line of duty. I've lived with my single mother and little sister for years, and I've seen a few of the sacrifices that my mother thought she kept hidden from us. I've also lived without a prominent father figure for the greater part of my life. I'm trying to work past that with him though. Considering my blog post a few weeks ago, I'm guessing that it's hardly a secret that he and I have a rather rocky relationship. We're both working to fix what we can. So it's good that I'm making headway there. John, my mother's boyfriend since I was in the eighth grade, is essentially my stepfather now, the only difference between his station and that of a stepfather being that he lives in another town. Today, he taught me how to parallel park and helped me work on my driving. He's been there for me when I needed him and when I didn't know that I needed him. I love him.

But I digress. Family's in the next paragraph. Another story that I like is actually from a Japanese comic series (Calling it Manga or Anime makes me feel like a nerd... It's even worse that I write fan fiction for this series) and it features Van Helsing's granddaughter, Integra Hellsing. She lost her father at an early age and inherited a monster. She's a woman in a man's line of work and she's also a mean shot with a pistol. She's portrayed as being very professional and having a strong will and strength of character. I'm intrigued by her portrayal as a character and as childish as it sounds, I want to be like her when I grow up. I got to thinking about these two characters the other day and started stacking up their similarities. They can both shoot with considerable precision, do anything to reach their goals, lost their fathers at an early age, and have fought against the odds to get to the station in life that they live in. They are both in emotionally trying fields and live (essentially) alone with no obvious romantic attachments. I want to be able to be comparable to them and not fail miserably. I know, I've said it before, it's childish. I want to be like a cartoon character and a girl in a book. I just want to have that kind of strength of will and tenacity. Granted, I won't be interviewing serial killers like Starling or breathing through cigars and drinking whiskey like Integra. I'll be repeating the question, "And how does that make you feel?" while doodling on a sketchpad on the other side of my clipboard in my office. I won't be shooting at an Ed Gein wannabe in a basement or shooting my vampire servant for another snide comment. If anything, I'll be squeezing off a few rounds at a shooting range to blow off some steam. And as for the living without a romantic partner, I can't say that it's looking like I'm that emotionally available for a relationship, regardless of how badly I want one.

Or I could play into my childish fantasy of becoming like them, reading stories about serial murderers and ritual killers in my free time and indulging in cups of tea on a quasi-regular basis. I am pretty fond of tea. I ended up with twenty different kinds from two sampler boxes that Momma got me while we were school shopping. So far, the Timothy's Green Pomegranate Tea is my favorite. The Orange Jasmine tea by the same manufacturer is amazing too. I like tea. The only problem is that I tend to put a bit much sugar in it. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. I've missed having random teatime with my friend Whitney this summer. That was always a bright spot, no matter how dark my day was.

I guess it's time to talk about family now, huh? I did promise you after all. Well, as far as the term 'family' goes, I've learned that it's not a hard and fast definition. Family isn't just who you're related to. Family means that you have a special, unbreakable bond with someone. You may not like them much at times, but you love them dearly and would do anything possible for them. I have a marvelously large family, some blood kin and most not. It pains me to see someone that I love but cannot help. It's times like this where I really wish that I had a place of my own and a good job so that I'd have a couch to put you on, or better yet, a spare bedroom. But at least a couch. Then I could maybe step in and be that voice that evidently never developed and make you listen. Whether you actually take the advice to heart is up to you, but honestly. If you only knew how much hell you put me through, you'd see why I can't tell why I'm staying around. I'm just afraid that you can't make it without me pestering you. I know it's vain of me to think that I'm the reason you aren't worse off, but really, how much evidence to the contrary have you given me? How many times have I told you that you're doing the right thing? How many times have you done the right thing? I'm so tired of swooping in and trying to fix your mess from afar. I've lost sleep and wasted tears because of you. I don't want our friendship to end. I love you, you moron. I have so many memories that I hold dear because you were in them. Please, don't make the ones I've had lately be the last. Just do what you need to and get everything straight. I love you and I'm sick of seeing you hurting, but if these memories have to be the end, then so be it. I've given you ultimatums before, and you always manage to keep just this side of the line so I haven't walked away yet. I'm just hoping that you're up to taking this challenge.

Well, looks like this is all for tonight. I'm going to go read something fun. You should do the same.

Dracula Dreaming

Vlad Tepes always makes me feel better.

Weird, I know. Drawing comfort not only from a man who died centuries before I was born, but a man who killed thousands. How messed up must I be to have such affection for a man who was the historical basis for the Dracula that we all now? How horribly twisted must my soul be to feel for such a monster?

I'll tell you, if you care to read through my whole explanation.

Vlad's father inducted him into the Order of the Dragon when he was just a boy. His father, Dracul, so named for his own place in the Order, had no issues with turning his loyalty to the most favorable outcome. He stooped so low as to offer his two youngest sons, Vlad and his younger brother Radu, to the sultan as a show of good faith. Vlad was no older than fourteen years old.

It's pretty murky as to how Vlad was treated under the Sultan's rule. It is unclear as to whether he was treated like the prince he was or if he was treated like a lowly harem boy. His brother, however, was clearly one of the sultan's favorite boys, growing up to be one of Sultan Mehmed's favorite lovers.

Vlad spent more time in prison than he did on the throne, but the brief years that he spent ruling, he purged the country of thieves and murderers and rapists and the like, encouraging honesty. This didn't come without a price, though. He killed nearly as many of his own people as he did in his crusades against the Ottoman empire. He was betrayed by his father, his brother, and his cousin Stephen in Moldavia. His first wife flung herself from a tower window to keep from being taken captive by the Turks. He spent years in a political prison due to a forged letter that said in presumably his own hand that he swore allegiance to the Ottoman Empire and he humbled himself before the Sultan. These letters were forgeries and the most devoted historians have shown that they were not written by Vlad. His life was story of endless betrayal that ended in a swamp somewhere in Transylvania.

His story reminds me that just because you've suffered, or think you're suffering, you have no excuse to give up and take it. You have to fight, no matter who or what you're up against.

This isn't meant to be one of those posts where I make you feel good or lift your spirit. I'm trying to explain to myself my affection for a man that I have never known and who can scarcely be considered a role model. After all, this is the same man who ordered thousands of men, women, and children impaled, skinned, cooked alive, tied out in the wilderness for the animals to kill and maim, and nailed turbans to the heads of men who refused to show him the courtesy of removing their hats in the presence of the Prince of the land.

This is the same man who allegedly ate the cooked flesh of his enemies and dipped his bread in their blood. The man who is said to be the son of the devil.

In spite of it all, I still respect him and can only hope that I can develop the strength of character that he had.

I guess it's about time to go back to the movie now, huh? Thanks for sticking around for another chapter.