So, as you may have noticed, I only write when something's weighing heavily on my mind. This is my cheap therapy, even cheaper and more fulfilling than bubble wrap. And who knows, I may manage to accidentally spill a little of my wisdom on you in the process.
Anyway, as I've said, this post is about books, family, and tea. I'm going to flip through a few pages of my favorite books and quotes to begin with.
I've noticed that I tend to like stories with strong female lead characters. The Hannibal Lecter series by Thomas Harris is one of note, starring the famous Clarice Starling. You've seen Silence of the Lambs, I'm sure. Strong character, not fearless, but in control of her fear and her weaknesses. Not to mention one hell of a shot with a pistol. These are qualities in her that I would like to see in myself one of these days. Her mother worked hard to keep Clarice with her after Clarice's father was shot and killed in the line of duty. I've lived with my single mother and little sister for years, and I've seen a few of the sacrifices that my mother thought she kept hidden from us. I've also lived without a prominent father figure for the greater part of my life. I'm trying to work past that with him though. Considering my blog post a few weeks ago, I'm guessing that it's hardly a secret that he and I have a rather rocky relationship. We're both working to fix what we can. So it's good that I'm making headway there. John, my mother's boyfriend since I was in the eighth grade, is essentially my stepfather now, the only difference between his station and that of a stepfather being that he lives in another town. Today, he taught me how to parallel park and helped me work on my driving. He's been there for me when I needed him and when I didn't know that I needed him. I love him.
But I digress. Family's in the next paragraph. Another story that I like is actually from a Japanese comic series (Calling it Manga or Anime makes me feel like a nerd... It's even worse that I write fan fiction for this series) and it features Van Helsing's granddaughter, Integra Hellsing. She lost her father at an early age and inherited a monster. She's a woman in a man's line of work and she's also a mean shot with a pistol. She's portrayed as being very professional and having a strong will and strength of character. I'm intrigued by her portrayal as a character and as childish as it sounds, I want to be like her when I grow up. I got to thinking about these two characters the other day and started stacking up their similarities. They can both shoot with considerable precision, do anything to reach their goals, lost their fathers at an early age, and have fought against the odds to get to the station in life that they live in. They are both in emotionally trying fields and live (essentially) alone with no obvious romantic attachments. I want to be able to be comparable to them and not fail miserably. I know, I've said it before, it's childish. I want to be like a cartoon character and a girl in a book. I just want to have that kind of strength of will and tenacity. Granted, I won't be interviewing serial killers like Starling or breathing through cigars and drinking whiskey like Integra. I'll be repeating the question, "And how does that make you feel?" while doodling on a sketchpad on the other side of my clipboard in my office. I won't be shooting at an Ed Gein wannabe in a basement or shooting my vampire servant for another snide comment. If anything, I'll be squeezing off a few rounds at a shooting range to blow off some steam. And as for the living without a romantic partner, I can't say that it's looking like I'm that emotionally available for a relationship, regardless of how badly I want one.
Or I could play into my childish fantasy of becoming like them, reading stories about serial murderers and ritual killers in my free time and indulging in cups of tea on a quasi-regular basis. I am pretty fond of tea. I ended up with twenty different kinds from two sampler boxes that Momma got me while we were school shopping. So far, the Timothy's Green Pomegranate Tea is my favorite. The Orange Jasmine tea by the same manufacturer is amazing too. I like tea. The only problem is that I tend to put a bit much sugar in it. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. I've missed having random teatime with my friend Whitney this summer. That was always a bright spot, no matter how dark my day was.
I guess it's time to talk about family now, huh? I did promise you after all. Well, as far as the term 'family' goes, I've learned that it's not a hard and fast definition. Family isn't just who you're related to. Family means that you have a special, unbreakable bond with someone. You may not like them much at times, but you love them dearly and would do anything possible for them. I have a marvelously large family, some blood kin and most not. It pains me to see someone that I love but cannot help. It's times like this where I really wish that I had a place of my own and a good job so that I'd have a couch to put you on, or better yet, a spare bedroom. But at least a couch. Then I could maybe step in and be that voice that evidently never developed and make you listen. Whether you actually take the advice to heart is up to you, but honestly. If you only knew how much hell you put me through, you'd see why I can't tell why I'm staying around. I'm just afraid that you can't make it without me pestering you. I know it's vain of me to think that I'm the reason you aren't worse off, but really, how much evidence to the contrary have you given me? How many times have I told you that you're doing the right thing? How many times have you done the right thing? I'm so tired of swooping in and trying to fix your mess from afar. I've lost sleep and wasted tears because of you. I don't want our friendship to end. I love you, you moron. I have so many memories that I hold dear because you were in them. Please, don't make the ones I've had lately be the last. Just do what you need to and get everything straight. I love you and I'm sick of seeing you hurting, but if these memories have to be the end, then so be it. I've given you ultimatums before, and you always manage to keep just this side of the line so I haven't walked away yet. I'm just hoping that you're up to taking this challenge.
Well, looks like this is all for tonight. I'm going to go read something fun. You should do the same.
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