Poison?

Everyone knows the line, “Pick your poison.” I've only ever heard it in reference to alcohol, but the sentiment seems strangely relevant. I just wish I would have picked you instead of having life inject you into my veins like bad heroin. You've caused me that much pain and sent me on that wild a trip but I can't give you up. I never would have guessed that you would become my habit.

I've known you for years, but then again, I haven't known you at all. Even though we've been through so much together, I never would have guessed that things would turn out this way. Looking back, I still can't pinpoint when everything started spiraling down out of control. You've become the ball in a game of pinball. Shiny and cold and careening out of all control beyond my reach. It's to the point where I can't just reach in and try to straighten your path anymore. You're behind the glass now.

Every time I talk to you, I tell you how to straighten your life, what you need to do. When am I going to learn that it's none of my business? But you know that somehow, through it all, it is my business because I don't want to lose you to a stupid mistake. Do you know how close a call that really was? I'm just glad that you realized it before things went even further. All I want is for you to be happy. I just want to see you smile and mean it. I miss the person you were.

It isn't fair for me to miss that though. After all, I'm not exactly who I was then either. That day you came to visit and you laughed every time that moronic ring tone went off and I was embarrassed should have shown me that we'd grown apart.

Do you know how much I hate that? Do you feel the same way? Do you feel anything anymore? We haven't honestly had a conversation that didn't revolve around your latest catastrophe in years, did you realize that?

I miss you. It may not seem like it, but I do. It hurts me to see you bouncing around from place to place and relationship to relationship. Would it really be that hard for you to give up your 'freedom' and ask for forgiveness? I've asked you that a thousand times, so I should know the answer by now, but I don't. I've told you to swallow your pride and to talk to them, but you won't. I've done the talking for you and it's gotten us nowhere.

I love you.

Trust me when I say that I'm one of the many people that will tell you that in your lifetime, but I am one of the very few of them that will mean it.

I love you.

It doesn't count unless you can hear me saying it in your head and you knowing that it's true.

Please, let me get some sleep and stop having to worry over you. Please, fix what you know is broken. Please, let me help you.